If my house was clean I'd kill myself

I think I know why you find these houses filled to the rafters with junk piled everywhere. It keeps people alive!

99% of the time I'm happy as can be, but on those very dark days when I think this just isn't worth it, I look around at my little house, piles of crap everywhere and think, "I can't die like this; I never cleaned that bedroom." And on those nights when I have heavy chest pains and I think "Oh, man, I'm just not going to get up, who the hell cares anyway?" I say to myself, omg, this place is such a mess, no one wants to see this, so I get up, go to the cabinet, put that aspirin under my tongue and live to see another day.

It's great having a system that works; I like it.

Thank you, my personal Help Desk

I'm sure you feel this way when you talk computers with me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ&feature=related
Bonus: it's in Norwegian!

Because I feel like it

Images are from www.engrish.com

and I didn't even pick the best ones.

Thanks, John Denver!

Yesterday morning I saw a bald eagle along the Swatara Creek. The photos are not the eagle I saw, but I searched the web until I found two photos that duplicated my eagle experience and here they are.













I was a teenager when John Denver sang: "I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly," and I always thought he was right.

He WAS right.

Hershey's, the Great American Cocaine Bar

I got very happy today when someone I work with, whose husband works for Hershey, told me about this:

http://blogs.menupages.com/philadelphia/2007/11/crack_cocaine_mints_might_just.html

It amused me so much I sent the link to our Director of Marketing, who then forwarded it to his newest hire, and then told me what I hadn't known: that we just hired the new guy from Hershey where - oh frabjous day! - he worked on this very project.

So of course I run over to his office laughing maniacally and he says, no, see, crack comes in ORANGE bags....

Yes, it was a happy day.

And btw, Hershey IceBreakers also come in orange.


Oops, my bad. Cocaine. It's this one:


No, wait, that's heroin. THIS one:

People (including me) like to complain that our young 'uns spend too much time on meaningless computer activity, and wax poetic about what people do without computers and television. Stuff like this:



Not to say this isn't bitchin', but I'll take BioShock, thank you very much.

Although I really like the hat.

I am Stan

You know, I learned something today.

If you're a white person, don't ever give anything like this:

to African-American employees. As it's pulled out of the gift bag, before one can properly see what it is, the tension in the room rises appreciably.

An American Werewolf in Harrisburg

Took Fenris for a walk tonight, and as we came around that short dark crosstreet by the woods I noticed a black car parked there.

Since there are no houses on that little street and no light down there, that was certainly an unusual thing.

Normally I give solitary cars on solitary lightless roads a wide berth but I didn't walk all that far away from this one (which is really stupid and you must never do this).

Fenris turned to look at it and I idly wondered if perhaps there were a couple of lovers inside. Although the car was black the interior was light-colored and there didn't seem to be anyone visible. Of course I have the visual acuity of a rhinoceros (as well as the general body shape, but that's another matter). Anyway, looked empty to me but as I was passing the car Fenris quickly went over to it, reared up and bopped the driver's window hard with both front feet in that motion used by polar bears to break through the ice. Since the car was rather small and Fenris is rather tall that's a good analogy. I immediately pulled him back and kept walking; I didn't say a word and had I quicker reflexes he never would've reached the car.

That ignition fired up so fast and that little black car took off. I think it took the corner on two wheels. I hummed Bad Moon Rising all the way home.

The more things change...

Knowing it's Oktoberfest (Wiesn) time, I decided to look it up online and found this. Aside from Dachau, this is the most German thing I've ever seen:

http://www.oktoberfest.de/en/13/

"Can you see those sweet girls on your screen? Maybe you can win their hearts, but at first you have to shoot them."


I hate dating.



Footnote: Shooting girls is "our most popular Wiesn game!"

Apparently it beats out Zitzenzauber. Which is only to be expected, as we are a more urban society nowadays.

Chakra is a c-word

So myque and I go to the metaphysical expo at the Allentown Fairgrounds.

Great fun was had by the two of us.

Myque wants me to get my aura photographed. I tell her I have no desire for her to see my weary old aura displayed by Kirlian photography. People like her can see it anyway, so what's the point?

Nope. Must do so I can see my aura and my chakras. Ok, as long as it doesn't involve trying to see my genitals with a handmirror I'm in.

So we go to this place run by these two guys from Niagara Falls (I theorize it's by way of Brooklyn and Odessa). We're laughing and talking and having a great time.

Myque blows out their camera.

Twice.

Sigh. I knew it.

Tall guy finally gets his camera working while I test my hypothesis with his co-worker by pushing out the conversational pawn of "pierogies." Ha! Successful opening move. He lit up when I told him they sold pierogies at this venue (true) and he asked all the appropriate pierogi cognoscenti questions as to fillings, fried-or-boiled, and of course, is there sour cream available?

So myque's been photographed and now it's my turn.

There's a brief wait while the photos are being developed and our chakra analyses are chugging out of the printer. Myque says she had hers done last year and has been working on improving certain areas. Tall guy says his hasn't changed in years, he is what he is, and is impressed that someone would have the focus to make specific improvements.

I look at myque's write-up when it comes out and it describes her to a "T." If you had 50 of these printouts you'd pick that one out as hers without hesitation. Her aura photograph is probably going to be used in an illustrated Bardo Thodol as level seven.

Me? Mine is a chakra disaster of Dostoevskian proportions. My life energy chakra is so minute as to be almost invisible. The next two are not even the right color. Instead of being round globes of color, they are misshapen and broken, full of holes, except for the heart chakra which is far too large and full. Myque looks at it and doesn't say a word, but I know her and the "I knew it but it's worse than I thought" flash I got was telling enough. I give it to pierogie man and ask him to tell me what it means. He looks at the photo, pauses....and says, look, I don't know you, so [various ethnic shoulder shrugs and hand gestures that I understand to mean ok, lady, don't blame me] I will just tell you what I see. You have no energy. You are physically and psychically depleted almost completely. This is not good. I don't know you, and I don't know what you do for a living, but you hate it and are unhappy. Your heart is enormous and you are full of love and giving. You have dreams and plans but you have no faith at all in yourself at this time.

Dammit.

Did you know you can google "chakra repair" and get 576,000 hits?

Autumn Comes

Last night I took Fenris and Cairo for a long walk. I hadn't done much of anything all week. I felt like one of those depression commercials where it says, "depression affects everyone" and shows these people lying around while their life goes to hell around them. One of the images is of a hopeful dog with a Ieash in its mouth. That damn dog gets me every time. If I wasn't depressed when the commercial started I'm crying by the time the dog shows up, and somewhere in this great land of ours a pharmaceutical rep and an ad man high five.

Anyway. So I had one of those weeks and decided since the dogs hadn't been out for a good blowout since Sunday off we'd go. I keep Fenris on a leash now as I cross the creek because the far bank is steep and nowadays it's hard for me to get up so he pulls me up the first section then I'm fine.

Oh, man, they BLEW through that field! Fenris galloped and galloped, with the little guy galumphing in his wake. They were so happy. Fenris would run a couple hundred yards out and back, or make giant looping circles. Once when he got far away I dropped to the ground so he wouldn't be able to see me and waited. Soon he came lollopping up the hill and passed me, heading back towards home. Then he crossed behind me about 20 yards off and as he did I saw him turn his head as he ran - the wind must've given him a hint of where I was, so he ran on a bit, head high and scenting, then changed direction and found me. Great rejoicing! I sat up and here comes little Cairo streaking straight towards me, because of course he had been far behind and could see me now that I was up.

More wandering through the fields, groundhogs diving into their dens, Fenris running up to the holes, schnoofing down inside then running on, Cairo falling into the holes in spectacular loose-jointed puppy tumbles since his eyes are always on Uncle Fen and he never sees the holes in the grass until he's fallen into them or else a foreleg drops in and he smacks his chin on the ground in classic I-missed-a-step fashion.

After we'd gone across the whole field we came to the dirt road behind the fire company and I put them on a leash in case we ran into anyone walking their dogs along the road. No one, thank goodness. I could hear athletic sounds coming across from the CD East fields and thought there might be a lacrosse game so I decided to walk around to check it out.

Alas, no lacrosse game but the fields were full: soccer and cheerleading practices, both junior high and middle-school football practice, and far off I could hear the intermittent thwack of metal baseball bats.

This will be good for the pup, I thought, and came down the hill to sit on the bleachers by football practice and watch for awhile. It was a lovely September evening, and it was fun to see all the kids in all the different activities having such a good time. At one point the middle school footballers were released to run over to another field. They had to pass the junior-high team, and all the little PAXTON PANTHERS ran, manfully hooting like the big men (on the junior-high squad) with their middle-school boys' voices. At this age the size and weight of their helmets still affects both their balance and their center of gravity. They looked like a set of bobble-head dolls happily sprung to life.

When they got to their new location the assistant coach who seemed to be a boy of high school age led them in a team cheer and playfully pushed them (they in full pads and he in only shorts and a cutoff sweatshirt) and he practically made the lot of them topple over. They gleefully pushed back and swarmed him as he shouted "C'mon! I'll take you ALL on!" and he disappeared in a sea of ecstatic bobbleheads.

There were a few runners jogging around the track that encircled all of this, and after a couple of nods as he went by, a man stopped to talk with me and ask if he could pet my dogs. We had a really nice time talking dogs. He's going to get a Labrador puppy and has taken a friend's lab home with him for a week to help him get into the routine. He's already signed up for dog training classes at SuperPetz and is taking the friend's dog. Sweet man. Said he'd always loved Shepherds and considered getting one but thought they were too high-energy. (This from the man who's getting a Labrador Retriever - must be why people make them get so fat. Nothing like a little cardiovascular disease to take the edge off).

By this time the sun had set in beautiful pink and golden cotton-candy clouds and so Fenris, Cairo, and I headed for home.

What a nice walk in the gloaming. By the time we climbed the last hill I was thinking maybe next time I should bring my little blinkie-light for Cairo's collar, as he's so black I couldn't see him at all unless he moved, and then he was merely the swiftest of the shadows. I wouldn't have seen even that if it wasn't for the moon.

It was too dark for me to see the break in the woods where the path goes down to the creek, but I knew Fenris would unfailingly find it, and he did.

We walked up Kay Street in the dark and came home. The dogs threw themselves down hard on the floor, panting with happiness (Cairo first doing the obligatory cat chase in the kitchen).

All is well.